Stop these habits before they ruin your life
Habit 1: Stop taking things personally
Inspired by therapy sessions
The 30-year-old sat in front of me in the treatment room and seemed very angry and tense. He started talking about his boss at work, saying, “He attacks me every time, there is nothing about me that he likes, always telling me your job is wrong, I’m tired and I’m thinking of quitting.” I commented on his last sentence, “But he’s not attacking you, he’s giving you feedback on your job, why did you take it personally?” He replied, “What about me and my job, we are the same!”
During my work in the field of counseling and psychotherapy for more than 15 years, I found that one of the biggest issues that people face is that they take everything personally. Whether it is related to work, personal, social or intimate relationships, issues begin to arise and worsen when the individual attributes everything to himself and begins to take things too personally and unnecessarily. Even I, when I started my career, was very sensitive to the criticism of some clients, such as someone telling me that my methods did not achieve the desired result, or that I could not find appropriate solutions to their issue, I thought it was only due to my skill as a therapist, and I forgot that there is an essential and influential partner in the development of the therapeutic process: the client himself, and it took me a lot of time and experience I realized that the client may be unwilling to truly heal, he may be clinging to the pathological role because it brings him many gains that he will lose by giving up this role if he achieves recovery, or he wants to accuse someone to hold him responsible for his failure and project his anger and aggression on him, or his behavior towards me may be very simply due to the condition he suffers from, which requires my understanding and empathy.
People who take everything personally attribute both positive and negative things to themselves, but most of us don’t have an issue with the positive things that we attribute to ourselves, but our issues arise when negative situations occur and spoil our day and life, although it is good to think that all the great things that happen to you are due to you being great in the first place, but you should be aware that the price you will pay is very high as you will be forced to attribute bad things to yourself as well, which makes you feel bad about yourself, and as a result you lose your objective self-esteem which in turn becomes volatile depending on the situation. This makes you feel bad about yourself, and as a result, you lose your objective self-esteem, which in turn becomes volatile depending on the situation. Whenever something good happens, you feel that you are an amazing and wonderful person, on the other hand, when bad things happen, you think that you are fully responsible for them, and then your self-esteem drops or you feel that you have to defend yourself all the time, which will increase the intensity of internal (between you and yourself) and external (between you and others) conflicts.
There are many examples in which “taking things personally” becomes the straw that broke the camel’s back, such as the child whose father, who has just returned home from work, tells him that he is an annoying and silly child and he thinks in his own mind that he really is, when it has nothing to do with his behavior but with his father’s angry return that day, or the teenager who hates going to school because the teacher tells her she is stupid and dull of thought and feelings. She believes this, which reflects on her psychological state and then on her concentration and academic achievement without realizing that he is doing this to force her to take private lessons in his group, or the wife whose husband constantly attacks her as the first and only cause of all the issues that his children suffer from, and she falls into depression without realizing that he is projecting his failure and poor parental performance onto her, and the examples are many and could fill volumes.
So why do we develop this habit that causes us so much trouble?
The matter goes back to early childhood, when we form the conviction that the world revolves around us, and the Swiss scientist “Jean Piaget” emphasized – Jean Piaget, a pioneer in developmental psychology, emphasized that a young child believes that the adults around him see what he sees, and perceive things according to his perception, and does not realize at this stage of his life that others – adults – see things in a completely different and more holistic way. An essential part of our mental and psychological development is to stop believing that we are the center of the universe, and to be able to recognize that others may have a completely different point of view than ours, and then we have to realize that what we see is not necessarily what others see, and it takes a lot of time and life experiences to acquire this skill. It takes a lot of time and life experiences to develop a personal awareness that what happens around us – even if it is directly related to us – does not mean that it is about us or something we did or should have done, but rather it may be about the other person or the situation from which we have to separate ourselves in order to be able to evaluate it neutrally and objectively.
What if your boss tells you that he or she is unhappy with your performance?
He does not mean that you are incompetent, maybe there is something you are doing that makes him dissatisfied with your professional performance, talk to him simply and ask him what is bothering him, ask him to guide you to the appropriate way to accomplish the work from his point of view, try to evaluate your professional skills impartially and objectively to identify your strengths to develop and your weaknesses to address. Perhaps the whole thing has nothing to do with your professional abilities and your manager was upset about something else the other day that made him subconsciously project his negative feelings onto his workers and the situation will end there, looking at it from this angle will definitely make things less complicated.
What we did with the previous example applies to all examples related to similar experiences. The positive and negative things that happen to us on a daily basis are not directly related to us, even if we are part of them. When someone praises or criticizes you, it may not be primarily due to you, but it is closely related to the way that person views things, their values, beliefs, attitudes, and feelings. Similarly, when you fail at something, it does not mean that you are a worthless loser, it simply means that we as humans sometimes fail from time to time in performing some tasks without detracting from our value and should not affect our self-esteem and self-respect. Here are some important points that will help you get rid of this annoying habit
** You have to realize that others’ rudeness to you has nothing to do with you or what you have done, but rather it is a matter of their personal behavior. When someone treats you rudely, it may be because they are having a bad day, or difficult circumstances, or it may be due to their bad manners and lack of manners, and in any case it is not your fault, because dealing with others rudely is unacceptable whatever the reasons ** Ask yourself first “What does that comment or behavior mean to you?”, try to answer this question objectively, for example: If someone doesn’t smile or say hello to you, it may mean that they are socially shy, or maybe they were distracted and didn’t see you, they may be sad and unable to smile or communicate with you, all these things will make you think a lot before you take an offensive or defensive stance towards someone ** Try to take annoying comments or criticisms in a constructive way, ask yourself whether what the other person said is true or not, what can you learn from that criticism, can you improve yourself based on that comment? Recognize that this objective assessment is difficult when the criticism is harsh, but at least you will have taken something positive away from the bad experience
** Try to put yourself in the other person’s shoes and imagine what it would be like to see you, perhaps the role reversal will make you change your perspective on many things when you see things from another perspective
** Stop worrying about what others think of you, you have to realize that you can’t please everyone no matter what you do, it doesn’t matter who you are or what you do, there will always be some people who don’t like you and keep criticizing you, you can’t change others, control them, or the circumstances around you, all you can do is be yourself and start controlling your thoughts and beliefs about these circumstances or these people.
** Self-esteem is based on what you believe about yourself, not what others say about you, so you have to believe that you deserve the best in everything, and support your self-confidence.
** As for us as human beings, it is okay to make mistakes or suffer from flaws or shortcomings, this is part of our human constitution, and there is no doubt that you will not learn or reach the stage of maturity that you seek without repeatedly making mistakes and learning from your mistakes.
** Talk about your negative feelings with someone close to you, it will have a great impact on calming yourself down, and you will be able to perceive and analyze things more deeply, maybe your vision of the whole situation will change after that calm and constructive discussion, or at least you will be able to discharge your angry emotions towards situations or people and then regain your balance and calmness.
Finally, if you can’t get past the issue, or feel that it’s causing you too much anxiety or stress, you should seek professional help to rediscover yourself, your abilities, and your confidence again. It takes time, effort, and perseverance to stop taking things personally, especially if you’ve been used to this line of thinking for a long time, but the relief you’ll get by breaking this bad habit is well worth the effort.
And there’s more… With my love.
Selma
